First came toxic positivity, and now the latest buzz phrase is toxic resilience.
So what is it?
Toxic resilience is about keeping going for the sake of our loved ones, our employers, those who depend on us – but at the cost of our own personal needs.
This was hugely exacerbated by the pandemic, which took its toll on most people. All around us we saw people struggling – whether it was due to losing their job, losing their loved ones or losing their freedoms and sense of self – no one got away with not being impacted. And one way or another, we had to get by. Initially there may have been some sort of ‘blitz mentality’ – we’re all in this together let’s make the most of it. For short periods of time, knunckling down and just getting on with it is one tactic that may get you through. But needing to be resilient constantly and over the long term when you don’t feel it starts to take its toll in a different way.
What are the signs of toxic resilience?
Toxic resiliency looks like this:
- Long term endurance of stress without asking for help
- Feeling like you’ll be letting others down if you raise the fact that you’re not coping
- Poor health as a result of the above
On the outside it may look as though you’re organised, hardworking, competent – maybe even a bit of a perfectionist. But on the inside this looks like constant worry, tension, difficulty sleeping and a feeling of being burned out. Over time, this can led to being impatient with others, having meltdowns and ultimately becoming physically ill.
Is Toxic resiliency common?
When I look at my group of friends, whilst maybe not all of them are in this position, there’s a lot of it going on. I know people who are suffering with multiple chronic illnesses as a result of many years of struggle and no respite. People who go into emotional meltdown with anyone who dares suggest that they may have been slightly less than perfect in a given situation. People who are unable to sleep properly because of the level of work-related stress they are trying to cope with.
What does the data show for the wider population? Well amongst younger women, this is certainly common.
According to Deloitte’s 2023 Gen Z and Millennial survey, nearly half of respondents feel stressed or anxious all or most of the time.
And it’s no wonder.
According to 4500 American women surveyed as part of a Harris poll commissioned by Skimmd, many feel that they are the only person who is on their side. 57% said “I have been dismissed or misdiagnosed by medical professionals,” and 59% said, “I have sought treatment from doctors who do not believe me, or who have ignored my needs.”
Women who took part in this poll ranked their own personal ability to influence their local climate higher than they did their ability to influence legislation that will impact them.
As the famous speech from the recent Barbie movie says, women have to “never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line.” When this is the culture we live in, its no wonder women feel they have more control over the weather than they do in getting the sort of support from government that may actually impact them positively.
Help is not on its way.
The only help that will happen is for those who choose to do something for themselves.
What can you do if you’re suffering from toxic resiliency?
Well awareness is the starting point. Awareness that you’ve spent too long trying to be resilient and to be there for everyone else – and that it’s been at a cost to you.
When you feel ready, you’re going to need to think about making some changes. As Albert Einstein once said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. ”
You may want to get some support from someone you love and trust – or if you don’t have any such person you feel you can turn to, then a therapist or coach may be the rigth answer.
However, if you want to make your own start, then I would suggest you start small with this. Make a list of the changes you could try, and pick one or two to start with – those that appeal and feel approachable. Try them and see if it makes a difference – if it does then great, keep going and see what else you want to try from your list. And if it doesn’t then move on to the next option.
Your list of changes should be made up of things that you believe are going to be good for your wellbeing. This could be things that are around:
- You and other people
- Are there boundaries you need to put in place with people in your life?
- Are there people you need to spend less time with, or cut out completely?
- Do you need to find new people to spend time with?
- Do you need more time connecting with people who are important to you?
- Would you like to join in with groups that share a common interest with you?
- How you spend time on your own
- Do you need to carve out time for yourself?
- Do you need to remove some responsibilities to free up more time for yourself?
- Are there new habits such as meditating or journalling that you’d like to try?
- Do you want to put in place some sort of exercise routine?
- Do you need more variety and fun in your life?
- Do you want to learn new skills or pursue a hobby?
- What you want to cut out of your life – and how will you do that?
- Do you need to cut down your hours at work, or get a different job altogether?
- Do you think that less alcohol, sugar or fast foods might help you to feel better?
- Do you feel you spend a lot of time in negative emotions such as anger or jealousy that you would like less of? How might you go about addressing this?
You could also look to include some new practices in your life that are proven to improve your happiness.
Don’t continue to suffer though. Ultimately your health is your wealth, and looking after it is the most important thing you can do – without your health you’re no use to your employer, your family and loved ones, or your friends. Put your health first, even if that means making compromises and changes you may not have considered before.